sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
