I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
