I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
