You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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