Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
