Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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