literally had 100 drinks last night.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How's work?
Spinning.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
