Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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