he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
