i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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