there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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