just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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