hotel room ftw
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
