Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
