I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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