and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Randomize
