i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
