I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
