My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
