You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
