I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
