At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
