The maid of honor just puked.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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