dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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