$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
