He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
40s are totally the cure
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
