I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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