May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Sober January is a disaster.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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