...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
