i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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