Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
