Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
