I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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