The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
