the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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