dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
