So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
