cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
