just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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