final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
