I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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