I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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