It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
