you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
