Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
