if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
