if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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