i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
