I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
