Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The adults are the big ones right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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