i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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