There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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